Timeless Spirituality

Ep. 87 - Somehow, I Made It Through: Daniel “The Past Life Regressionist” (ft. Jenny Sherman)

• Daniel "The Past Life Regressionist" • Season 4 • Episode 3

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Jenny Sherman hops back into the hosting seat to interview Daniel for a deeper look into "The Mirror of Time V: Vagabond".

In this episode, Daniel doesn't find himself asking a question, but rather proclaiming a statement... Somehow, I made it through.

Welcome to the Mirror of Time series, where Daniel shares his deeply personal journey through adolescence and chronic illness. In this episode, he navigates the turbulence of growing up, the profound influence of family, and facing life's darkest moments with honesty. This story is a testament to resilience and the power of open dialogue around topics like suicide and the realities of living with chronic pain.

The episode explores the intimate landscape of inner voices and spirituality, reminding us that in our struggles, we might find solace in the thought of angels or a higher self offering guidance.

Reflecting on the paths we take and the homes we build, this episode delves into the concept of 'home' beyond its physical space. It addresses the raw realities of depression and the stigma of unseen battles in school and the medical world. We celebrate the strength that comes from family love and support, and the powerful sense of belonging from unexpected places. By the end of the journey, our gratitude for each listener's engagement becomes a warm embrace, ensuring that within the Mirror of Time, no one is alone.

Jenny's Bio:

Jenny is a creative multi-potentialite working in post production and also offers mystical intuitive “storytelling” sessions with the help of Tarot and Astrology. She’s also an ME/CFS patient and advocate for disability rights and for complex chronic illness funding for research and treatments.  She is from Los Angeles and has lived in the UK for the last ten years. 

Website: https://www.JennySRP.com 
Instagram: @JennySRP @JennySRPVideos

Jenny:

Daniel, welcome to Timeless Spirituality. How are you doing today?

Daniel:

I'm good. Thank you for having me, Jenny.

Jenny:

I am very, very excited to talk to you today about your Mirror of Time episodes. So I'm assuming that everybody who's listening today hopefully you've listened to the Mirror of Time episodes, because we're going to be chatting a little more about it. How are you feeling about all that, Daniel?

Daniel:

I mean, I'm eagerly anxious because I don't know what's coming right now. It's one of the things where I don't want to know what the questions we're going to be, because I want it to be in the moment and authentic. So I'm like, eh, I was already vulnerable enough with the Mirror of Time episode.

Jenny:

So let's see what comes up now. The good news is I don't know what the questions are either. So we're calling on all the gods of podcasting today to have a fabulous conversation, which I'm not worried about because we always do anyway. So I guess I'll start by just saying for let's see the first episode. We're reviewing. The initial overview of how I felt about it was damn.

Jenny:

It is so hard when you're a teenager and a young adult trying to figure out your way in the world, whether you do end up going on the normal path or not, and then throw in some chronic illness and some disruptive patterns and it's just really, really tough. And I know in the astrology and spiritual community we talk a lot about Saturn returns and all of that stuff. But just from 15 on, when you're trying to figure out what am I going to be when I grow up, it's such a hard time. And then you throw in figuring out your housing situation and your income and it's just a really tough time. And we're talking about time and the quality of time. Being a teenager and a young adult is fucking hard.

Daniel:

So I want to.

Jenny:

Yeah, I want to thank you for painting that picture for us. For me it was a little bit PTSD, because I remember that time too, and I did go to university, I had my four year thing, I traveled abroad and then I got sick at the end of my undergrad degree. As well as the trauma that changed the rest of my life. So I was in a very similar position when I was around 20, 21 years old, where I was sick and trying to figure out how to start my adult life.

Daniel:

I wonder why I picked Jenny for this episode.

Jenny:

It was just really hard. Well, the first, the first part of it, I wondered why you did pick me, because there was so much about the mother in there, the mother and the home, and there was so much about the mother and the home that fell apart from me when I was 20 years old that it just hurt. You know, at least for some part of your early journey with being ill. And, like you said, you had your mom to help take care of you when I had my tonsillectomy. I was taking care of my mom and I didn't have anyone with me either. So for that I was like, oh no, I'm not the right person to do this. But as it evolved I was like, yes, I understand, I understand where I fit into this picture.

Jenny:

And, first of all, I know I'm not asking you a lot of questions, I'm just giving you a lot of feedback right now. But I thought this was all a very beautiful love letter to these moments in your life, and memoirs and of themselves are just an absolute romance for honoring time and the time that we spend in our lives and the ability to have that reflection is a blessing on your own life and your own experience and I just want to acknowledge that, and you shared it so beautifully that I think there are a lot of people that can listen to it and really relate to a lot of the experiences, even if a lot of the details were changed. So for you and for everyone in your life, I just want to acknowledge that I think that was a beautiful blessing for you to create.

Daniel:

Thank you.

Jenny:

So let's see. First of all, I am very glad that you are here. You are with us, you are breathing and thriving and loving and sharing your time and your life with us. I'm so grateful for you. You've certainly been a big change in my life and you've been a big change in other people's lives, and I'm also very, very grateful that you are having not just the courage but the audacity to share your story in all the way that you have shared it.

Jenny:

I shared it in this episode, or these episodes, because in the run up to listening to these episodes and recording with you today, the week for me has been filled with stories of suicide and I didn't even know what your episode was about until I listened to it and I had some intense dreams. I talked to my shaman about it. I did a shadow work session in that witch school with Sierra Jolene and she very specifically with suicide work and said the most important thing you can do is talk about it. And I listened to your episode and I was like, oh my gosh, just coming full circle, I'm ending the week speaking publicly about suicide and I honestly didn't know how, when I was listening to it, how talking about it might help or if it would hurt. Because when you hear stories of people leaving life, it's one of those things where you feel like it might just catch on and more people might be inspired and inspired to leave, to opt out. And it's for me that's been that tricky situation of I know you can't not talk about it, you have to talk about it and how hard life gets and the choice to continue to go on, but also wondering if I have the credentials to even do it in the most respectful and intelligent way that I can and hopefully I can. And it was just heartbreaking. I was crying the whole time, both from relating to the frustration and not relating to it, and knowing who you are. And just the instant I knew that you wanted to leave the planet, knowing how much I would have lost, not having you be a big part of my life.

Jenny:

And earlier in the week someone I knew lost somebody as well to suicide and I just saw the heartlight of the soul and how precious and valuable and what a treasure it is for all of us and wishing I could just send that softness and that appreciation and that gentleness to everybody and knowing that I can't and also feeling like that soul light is so fragile.

Jenny:

And then I turned it around and I said I don't want to see it as fragile anymore, I want to see it as strong and powerful.

Jenny:

And I just spent this week trying to grow that vision of that soul light in me to no longer be so fragile and to try and bring in strength and power so that we could all be empowered to live from that place of not just courageous but sustained and fulfilled and empowered life force, so that we all know that we have what it takes to keep, to keep going on. And you, sharing your story and sharing that you came out of it, and sharing that it was something even beyond you that pulled you out of it was just that confirmation to you that I don't know if saying that we all have a choice is the right way of saying it, because I'm not sure that that's true, but that there are threads that we cannot even always understand with our logical mind. And just showing up to a moment and sharing your story hopefully helps other people know that there is a next moment for them. So before I ask you this question, do you have anything you would like to add to that?

Daniel:

I mean, just first and foremost, I want to thank you for reflecting back in me that I've played a part in your life just as much as you've played one of mine, because, come on, you know you've changed my life for the better. You've helped me see things that that I believe have helped make me a better person and a better practitioner as well. So I think there's something more to to all of this. So I just I want to thank you for saying that, because it's I don't even know if validating is the right word, because I, for everyone who's listened to the Mirror of Time episodes, I specifically wrote the Mirror of Time three because I was seeking validation that's why I call it the Mirror of Time three validation and for this one, I kind of moved to a place beyond seeking the validation. I mean, it's even it's a bit of a shock to me. I think it was such a focal point of your review at the beginning and just how the pieces seem to fit into place that it happened to be a theme for you the week that you listen to it. When I wrote yeah, because when I did this I wrote everything out first and I wrote as we're recording this in late July. I wrote that entry back in mid March, so four months ago. So just that it would happen to to fall into place in that way that it would be a theme for you this week, that kind of just boggles my mind a bit.

Daniel:

And you know, the other thing that you brought up was the choice. And there is a part of me that wants to fully acknowledge that the choice that I made had an impact on your life, because how did I not make the decision that I made Then? You know, from outward appearance, who knows where you would be right now, just based off of the changes that you made after our first session. And there's that other part of me that believes that the universe has a way of working things out and that someone else would have shown up in a sense in your life to to be that vessel. I mean, I feel weird saying vessel, but you are just the messenger, seems weird to but the facilitator. I don't know the way that this all works, but I just know that I had choice that day and I I'd like to think that I made the right choice. So, yeah, I don't even think there was a question, I think it was just me.

Jenny:

Yeah, just before I get into the questions yeah, I think. I think for me it wasn't so much. You made that choice, therefore I benefited from it. I agree with you, I think. I think, if things are meant to work out, other facilitations will come in to try and guide your light, whether you follow it or not.

Jenny:

Just the sheer fact that I have love for you and I'm just glad that you're here and I've gotten to experience you. So it's not necessarily out of the benefit of what I've gotten from our regressions which of course, I've gotten benefit from your work but it's just out of the pure love I have for you as a human being and just as someone that exists here on Earth. But in terms of choice, what I meant was when people do decide to either attempt or to take their life, whether in that moment they really do have the capacity to make a full choice. And for you in particular, in your episode you shared that there was some external force that came through to say don't do it or do, or do I misinterpret that? And that was more a different part of yourself, or can you? Can you talk a little bit more about that? Can you talk a little bit more about that moment where you went from being sure you were ready to do it to actually turning things around?

Daniel:

I don't know what it was, but I made the choice to write that the way that I did just because I didn't want it to sound like it was the voice of God coming and saying Daniel, don't do this. Because I think we all have that voice in our head when we're processing. Sometimes it sounds like us, sometimes it doesn't, and I don't know what it was. So it may have just been been me and having the willpower to still push through and really not wanting to go through with it, but also feeling desperate enough to the point where I just didn't see another choice and look.

Daniel:

This is also where I think astrology really factors into the equation, because I was 22 at the time and when I snapped out of that within a few weeks, I said to myself I've got eight years, I'll be 38 years. If things don't really start to turn around in eight years, then you can do it. So it was basically kicking that can down the road by eight years. I'd be in a different place eight years later. But yeah, I don't know what, what that feeling or voice was, and I don't know if it really matters, because it did the trick.

Jenny:

Yeah, I asked that because it reminds me of when you're in a regression session and you you're talking to yourself, you're talking to your subconscious, you're talking to your super conscious, you're bringing in higher selves, you're bringing in entities from other places, but they're all coming through your voice and your, your place.

Jenny:

But I know, you know, even anyone who's had a mindfulness practice knows that there's different voices inside their head and actually we didn't ask this at the beginning of the episode because I didn't know if we were going to, but I thought you're going to ask me my favorite song about time again.

Jenny:

And actually I wanted to bring up in this episode a shout out to the musician called Ren, and he has a song called High Ren. It doesn't directly talk about a ticking clock, but it talks about those voices and the choice to stay human, because angels and demons and voices in your head can have different narratives and different agendas. But by the end of the song, ren is says it's okay, I'm human and I'm here to live this experience and there's nothing more appropriate to time than the experience of being human, because we're the ones that experience time. Time exists because of the human experience of it and the boundaries of Saturn and the limitations that are put on more tools to experience what they do in the bounds of the time that they have to be alive, and putting that into perspective of the choices the choices or not the choices, or even the thought process that the process is that we go through to get us to the point where we feel like we have to choose to leave because we don't have another option.

Daniel:

You mentioned angels there, I believe, or, yeah, when I mentioned the part about the two best friends. You know, imagine your two best friends slinging your arms over your, over their respective shoulders. I do believe that that was my higher self, or guides, if you want to call them that, or angels, whatever terminology suits the listener. I do believe that that was their way of sending me a message or a visual that you're not on your own. You may be out in this little ravine on your own right now, but we're here for you can't necessarily see us, but we're here.

Daniel:

And looking back on that experience years later is kind of when everything started to come into focus for me of. I don't think I was alone there that day. I think that there was something there helping assist in the process of getting me back on my feet in a sense. Yeah, and I didn't want to say that in the piece because it's kind of like you said, like even though, as a writer, I made the choice to not be very specific with a lot of details, because I wanted I wanted it to be more vague and abstract, for the listener to be able to put themselves in my shoes or put themselves back in whatever experience that they were having and getting that feeling. So I just felt that if I said, oh, I believe it was my guides or my higher self, but it just it would have taken away from the moment.

Jenny:

Yeah, as soon as you say angel or God or anything like that, it's immediately going to paint a certain context for people, depending on what kind of relationship they have to those words.

Daniel:

Exactly.

Jenny:

And, like you said, whether it matters or not although one thing I will say about whether it matters or not I think all of this very much matters on what we believe happens to us after we die, what we believe life is about and what we think actually happens to us after we die. It can very much inform Not just the way that we live every day, but how we face death or don't face death. And I know a lot of people who are so afraid of death they pretend it doesn't exist. I think our Western culture pretends that death doesn't exist so we don't have a relationship with it. And I have Pluto Square, my ascendant natally, so I am always transforming and I have a Scorpios delium, so I'm.

Jenny:

The first thing I always ask people is what do you think about death or what's your experience of death? I'm fascinated by it because of the reverence I have for my life, and that doesn't mean I haven't had moments where I thought I would be really okay if I just fell asleep and didn't wake up. I personally have not had the experience of actively wanting to cause myself bodily harm to the point where I left. I've certainly thought it would be just easier to leave, but but never to the point where I wanted to injure myself. And I think a lot of that has to do with the young age that I came into spiritual practice and had a deeper understanding of my relationship to everything, not because I'm special, but because I'm part of a web of life that's connected to everything and everything that I do and experiences about so much more than just me.

Jenny:

And this is not to say that my viewpoint is better than anyone else's or it removes the pain that anyone would feel, because I have full compassion and understanding for those that get to that point or that becomes the only option for them, either through sickness or because that's just what they're living through. So, from my perspective, that's where I'm coming from is just that I've never been to that point. I have a different philosophy that maybe put me in different situations when I got to the end of my rope. Having said that, the importance of pizza is crucial in my life. I can fully relate to expecting to wake up to a piece of pizza and it not being there anymore. That can be definitely a game changer.

Daniel:

Do you understand my love of pizza and frozen yogurt a little bit more at this point now, after listening to that. One thing that could push me over the edge, it was not having that pizza.

Jenny:

Yes, well, you and I share Taurus Moon.

Daniel:

Yeah, so really quick. I wanted to touch on that because I think I brought up the astrology a few minutes ago of saying astrology, factoring, and but I don't think I've thoroughly explained that which is having my four placements in Taurus in my chart, which was kind of like that slow and steady approach of, yeah, I'll give myself eight years, where I think some people would say I'll give myself a month, I'll give myself six months, I'll give myself eight years, 22. Now I'll be 38 years. We'll kick the cans down the road till 30.

Jenny:

So you already had astrology in your life when you were 22?.

Daniel:

Without being aware of it.

Jenny:

Oh, I see. Okay, so you weren't studying astrology at that point, but you had this idea that eight years was meant something to you.

Daniel:

Exactly, and I don't think it had anything to do with astrology other than just the energy that's at play in my chart of the long-term investment.

Jenny:

Okay, okay, okay, got it.

Daniel:

And the pizza, because of that so yeah.

Jenny:

Yeah, that's kind of a dichotomy, a big split right there of wanting to leave immediately and having to do it now, but then being like, oh, there's an eight year plan somewhere in here too and that pulling you out and you know that's what a gorgeous Torian insight to bring you out of that. Yeah.

Daniel:

And I also, I pretty much believed in that moment also that it would never get worse than it was.

Jenny:

Yeah.

Daniel:

That that was going to be the lowest and knock on wood. I got bamboo behind me but knock on wood, that was the lowest I'll ever be Like. I hope that that yeah, that sucked.

Jenny:

Do you have a different perspective now on your life and the greater picture of your life in time, in spirituality, in your role in the universe, than you had at that time?

Daniel:

Oh, undoubtedly, I didn't know anything at the time on any level, because they, you know, like as a writer, that was the. There was another choice I made to not go into a lot of detail because I'm like, do I really need to give a lot of background to this as opposed to just yeah. So, as you guys have heard me talk about on the podcast before, I wasn't the best student, because I just wasn't. I wasn't your cookie cutter student in school. I didn't fit the mold of study tick test, do this with bullshit work. And I'm going to bring this up because the school system, the education system, didn't foster any of my strengths. So I didn't know what my strengths were at the time. All I knew was failure. I knew that I could remember some details of things, but that didn't really get me anywhere in the world. I hadn't even picked up a guitar yet at that point. No, that's not true.

Daniel:

I did pick up a guitar for the first time about 10 months before then or before that, but it didn't stick with it, but it did after. So I touched on that, I think a little bit later. Maybe that was episode two where I touched on that, but as I'm kind of jumping all over the place. It was being holed up in bed and laid up in bed. That kind of helped me discover what I was good at and having that time.

Daniel:

So, as much as I dislike the health issues, it did also put me in a place where I had a choice to make I could either play video games or I could start cultivating some skills and discover what I was good at. So, yeah, I mean I'm in a much different place than I was back then, because up until my late 20s, it was just about the creativity of seeing what I could offer the world creatively. And in my late 20s is when spirituality started to come into the fold. And yeah, I got certified as a past life regressionist when I was 30 and I'm 37 now. So did I answer the question? I?

Jenny:

kind of-. Yeah, I think I'm asking for a more, maybe an esoteric answer on what perspective you had that your human life plays in the bigger picture of things, like how your perspective is now and how you can see how things kind of map out over time versus what role you thought you played at that time when you were like what was it 22?

Daniel:

Yeah, I'd say my ego was more out of whack back then and in that feeling of being here to make a difference, and without having any clear direction.

Daniel:

I think it's also what would help weigh me down and sink me lower and lower, but I don't know.

Daniel:

I always felt like I was here to rattle things a bit, to be a force of change in some respect.

Daniel:

Whatever that may be, I just I didn't know what it was at the time and that drove me crazy.

Daniel:

And I don't know if I've ever brought this up on the podcast, but I know I've mentioned it in interviews I've done on other platforms where the end game for me now, or at least what I'm aiming for, or in past tense, was seeing myself on stage at Dodger Stadium doing a group regression for 56,000 people.

Daniel:

Especially in the last couple months. I've kind of taken a step back from that and began to acknowledge begun began I don't know what's correct there that it may not be me standing up on that stage one day, that it may be someone else, it may be a hundred years from now if Dodger Stadium's still around or a stadium similar to that, but that maybe I will serve as a catalyst to that or as a source of inspiration to someone because, look, I'm not a pioneer in this field. There have been so many pioneers in past life regression who've come before me, but maybe I will be able to reach someone out there who would have been turned off by the approach of other practitioners, and then they will forge their own path and their own destiny and be standing on that stage long after I'm gone.

Jenny:

And what's the significance of standing on that stage in Dodger Stadium?

Daniel:

I think the significance is really society getting to a place where 56,000 people would show up for group regression. I've been at a Brian Weiss event and there were a thousand people there. So to think of something 50 times bigger than that, that's a big scale and I think, quite lofty in my previous estimate that that could be achieved in my lifetime which, look it very well, could be. But I think I'm coming to that place now where it's, it's not necessarily about me being on that stage as much as just being a source of inspiration for others to be up there.

Jenny:

Oh, would it be fair to say that it's really about the impact of being able to help that many people reach an experience of transformation.

Daniel:

Yeah, even if it's not me directly.

Daniel:

Yeah, not just being that that person to put a smile on someone's face one day, mm-hmm, because I think that's also what I think back to when it comes to the choice that I made 15 years ago, is what would be different from what I think is what would be different.

Daniel:

Now, that's kind of why I even went that direction when you brought up what you did at the very beginning is because I do think of ripples, I do think of butterfly effects and how. I do believe that everyone here on this planet has something to contribute. And even if there's someone who is a recluse, they're still eating and they're still drinking. Somehow they are still receiving food and water and other things that keep them alive, which in turn, bolsters manufacturing and so on and so forth. So they are still having an impact on the world in one form or another. Now, of course, that is on the extreme side of things, of someone who's having no interactions with anyone, but they're still playing their part in one way or another, and it's still giving someone a job somewhere, it's still filling up a box, whatever that may be. So I think that everyone plays their part.

Jenny:

I think that what you said when we clarified the difference between Daniel getting his starlight moment on stage at Dodger Stadium versus that event for the result of helping or experiencing that many people having a transformative experience, for me illustrates this beautiful dance you're doing between the importance of getting Daniel's ego out there and the reason why that matters, because and it's the same thing with the decision to decide whether you're important enough or useful enough to stay in this world versus knowing that you have impact beyond what you could even know, because it's this whole in every episode you're doing is this about me, is this about Daniel and my ego and what I'm trying to get recognition for, or is it about the impact I'm making and the change that I'm doing and the work that I'm doing and the ripple effects that are affecting everybody so that we can all evolve? The two are intertwined and they're especially in the human experience. We have our ego in order to help us do other things so that we can experience these things, and there's always this back and forth between is this self-serving or is this self-serving the greater good, and they're one and the same and that's something I think that in that moment of that 22 year old person. You can't see the impact beyond what it means for that one self-person. And the part that struck me a lot was when you were saying your friends were calling you and you were mad because you knew that meant your parents had let your friends know what was going on.

Jenny:

And so many times when we're hearing messages about suicide prevention it's always like talk to your friends, make sure they're okay. But it's like that doesn't work. When someone's in that mindset they're not, it's too far gone. You can't get. You're just pissed off that people are trying to interrupt your experience of getting the fuck out of this world. And what struck me was all these people love you, they really care about you, but for you it's not necessarily that you know that. You don't think that people love you, it's that you can't receive it. You're not in a mode where any of that can fill you up or sustain you in any way. It's not useful for you in that moment. I guess that leads to a question A do you have any reflection on that? And B is there anything anyone else could have done in that moment or up to that moment? Or is this always just gonna be a journey an individual has to go on for themselves.

Daniel:

How fortunate I am has never been lost on me. I have never taken my support system for granted. I have always seen that I have this very loving and supportive family and that even if they didn't understand what I was going through, they did the best in their own way Even at the time. That was never lost on me and I understood that from a very young age, because I don't remember if I brought it up in this episode or if I touch on it in some of the later ones. Yeah, I think this was the next episode when my parents got divorced. I was a kid I think I was four when they split up and I believe five when they got divorced, and even at that point they had this I don't know if you wanna call it a pact or an agreement that I always came first, that no matter who came into their lives, the respective significant other would need to be okay with the fact that my mother would still be active in my life and my father would, and those people needed to be okay with it, and if they weren't, then they were gone. So that love was always on display for me in that respect and it was never in a way that they they being my parents had to say this is how much we love you. We're willing to kick people out of our lives because we love you so much.

Daniel:

It was show me, don't tell me All that rule of writing, which I didn't do a very good job at in this piece for many reasons. Of course, that's still a part that I'm holding on to. I'm like I could have filled in more details, but because I wanted the experience to be vague enough, I'll get over it, because it's not about me, it's about everyone else. So, yeah, that has never been lost on me and that's why I made every effort, without going overboard, to say how lucky I am that I have this Cause. It's yeah, and even in that moment, when I said how angry I was with all the calls that I was getting, with what I wrote out, there were three, I think three or four words that I put in bold, which was our three words at the time, at the time, something I viewed as a step too far, while understanding it, they just they did it because they love me and they didn't see that they had another choice.

Jenny:

But yeah, it was clear I think this was very clear that this was the mindset that you were in and not like your overall feelings for people. I think that was very clear.

Daniel:

Thank you, I'm glad to hear that. I really tried to hammer that one home. Now what could have been done? This is where I think the indictment of society comes in, because this even I will go back eight years at this point, 10 years at this point, to when I was in school and I like to think in myself as slightly sharper than the average tool in the shed when it comes to the way my brain works. But that almost worked against me, because I was struggling in so many arenas, growing up and thriving when it came to things such as simple arithmetic or memorization of facts, that my teachers would just tell my parents that I was lazy when I wasn't doing well with reading or writing. Oh, he's just lazy, he just rushes through his work and I always say like I'm having a really difficult time with this. But it was no, he's just lazy. And that then I was fortunate enough, with the love and support of my parents, to then be diagnosed with some learning disabilities when I was 14. When it came time, for my health.

Daniel:

I knew something was wrong.

Jenny:

Yeah.

Daniel:

Something was seriously wrong and I'm saying there is something wrong here. But I was being told that I was fine. So I think that that became a real turning point for me, because then I had to seriously wonder if I was creating this illness in my mind because of you know, I hadn't found my purpose in life.

Daniel:

So I'm just faking it which I was told that I was faking, my fuck you I mean not by my parents, but it's kind of, and I never straight up said fuck you to anyone, but it's like no, I'm not faking this, my experience is real. So what could have been done differently is I would have liked to have seen in which you will see extensively in the third part. I don't get ahead of myself here, but I think that's the indictment of the system, especially the medical field.

Jenny:

Yeah, I can really relate to that and I agree it was compounded over time because I was a sensitive child growing up. So I would have symptoms to seemingly you know, innocuous things that shouldn't give you symptoms to anything and I would. I would be like that hurts or that doesn't feel good, and all my life I was told I was too sensitive and I was just making too big of a deal about things. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was trying to get attention and I was like what? Why? Like I don't want to be in pain. And then when I got, you know, I've got a very visible, very intense illness and they and this was before all the symptoms disappeared and they could still see stuff was wrong, but they couldn't figure out what it was. Yeah, I can see.

Jenny:

It's very well known that in the chronic illness, especially chronic complex illness, community, one of the number one causes of death and suicide not just because of the difficulty of living with the symptoms but because of the misunderstanding of the medical industry. And even more painful is when the people that we love don't understand and they're misjudging our character because of how we're able to show up in the world, and that in and of itself either leads people on a psychosis or a spiritual journey, I think. And when the world tells you you're crazy and you know that your experience is valid, that is in and of itself enough to want to just opt out and leave. So, and I can see how that would be compounded over time. And by the time you're a young adult and you're really trying to make your voice in the world, it hits a turning point where you're like all right, well, you don't see me, you don't hear me, that's enough, goodbye.

Daniel:

Yeah, and that's why I played that song on repeat at the time the Warmth because of those. I mean especially the lines where you know it stayed in the chorus. Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.

Jenny:

Yeah.

Daniel:

It was that reassurance that someone will understand me one day, someone will see that this experience is real and acknowledge it. Because that's, I think that's all I needed at the time was the acknowledgement that it was real, while also acknowledging now how fortunate I was that I still had a family.

Daniel:

that was like hey go see a doctor you know will help you take care of it. I was very fortunate in that respect. But when the almighty doctor said, oh, everything's fine, your brain scan comes back fine, everything's fine, you're faking it. Fuck you, doctor, sorry, while saying, okay, doctor.

Jenny:

It's hard and, yeah, I mean, there's so many layers to that Trying to understand how doctors communicate what it is they're looking for, what it is. We're trying to understand about ourselves, what we expect from the medical industry. There's a whole lot in there, but the bottom line is, whenever you feel misunderstood and you're not getting the validation, you need to have a healthy lived experience. That's very, very frustrating.

Daniel:

Look, I think it's also important to bring up right now that there are the extremes on both sides, because if I would have dove into the spiritual world right away at that point granted, I don't know how pervasive everything was 15 years ago with regards to the abundance of information that we have at our disposal and the spiritual practitioners who do all the glitz and glam and tell you what's wrong with you. But once I started to come around to those things, there were the people who put on the face that they knew that they were what they were talking about. I know exactly what's going on with you, I know what's wrong, I know this, I know that, and while I'm open to the possibility that some of my symptoms may have a higher spiritual purpose, yeah.

Daniel:

I pretty much fall on the side now of no, I just have Epstein Bar. That's the gateway there, and there's a reason why there's some ringing in my ear sometimes. So I think it's important on both sides to to not buy into the people who know what they're talking about, while also understanding that some people are experts. So, sometimes it's important to listen to the experts.

Jenny:

Yeah.

Jenny:

And that's why I'm not black and white knowing the difference between a holistic and integral approach, where you know everything is connected, is different from seeking advice from you know, from a neurologist who's just going to look at the brain from a certain certain viewpoint and has a certain set of you know, academic understandings and what it is that they're looking to diagnose. You have to know your audience, so to speak, know who you're talking to and unfortunately, I think this the cancer community went through this in the 90s with the whole positivity campaign and there were all these studies that were coming out like if you're more positive you're more likely to beat cancer, and things like that, and the cancer community revolted. And there were these amazing memoirs and art pieces made with cancer patients talking about how fucking hard it is to have cancer. And this was that pendulum swinging between you know light work and shadow work and being able to see the joy in a situation. And when you're only told to see the joy and you're ignoring the shadow, that shadow is going to come up and end and it has to have its day in the sun.

Jenny:

So for me, the toxic positivity movement was something I was very aware was detrimental from the beginning. I grew up in a household that where Tony Robbins tapes were playing, cassette tapes were playing and it was all about achievement. You can do anything and all this stuff, but I only ever got the sense that I was never enough. So I was very aware from a young age that positivity works for different people in different ways, and what I really needed was for someone to say it's okay that you feel crap, it's okay that you have a lot of emotions, it's okay that you feel sad when you see it rain outside. And then and I just once I started I didn't really start studying astrology when I was younger, but I did study, like some of the archetypes, especially some of a lot of mythology, all these characters, and it started to help me really appreciate that people are different. Everybody needs a different formula to address what it is that they're going through and unfortunately we just haven't had the capacity in our society to accommodate for so many different types of people. So we have box A and box B, and if you don't fit in one of those it's too expensive to help you, so find your own way. But I think now we're starting to move into a new world of niche everything holistic, everything personalized, everything. We're not there yet in terms of affordability for healthcare and things like that, but at least some of the ideas are moving in those directions.

Jenny:

And how this relates to your episodes is, on the one hand, I think, you sharing your personal story and experience, which is, you know, white boy, quote unquote white boy from Southern California has his existential crisis, but it's so important because there's so many notes of that that just hit. It will hit people on a personal level. Will they say I can relate to that, or why does that make me feel icky? Or I don't like that he said that, but why or that hits home and I'm so glad to be seen in that. And that is the difference between seeing people for who they are and knowing that we can relate to them on so many different levels and being able to have that experience together while also allowing someone to have their individual experience.

Jenny:

And I guess bringing that all around is, I think, when you shared these episodes with me, at the beginning it was all about home. It was about losing the childhood, home and the sense of home, and what does home mean? And I think at the end of this episode or during this episode, I guess it was really this sense of there's nowhere I belong. So I guess I'd like to ask what does home mean to you now, and and do you have advice for people on how to discover what it means to belong?

Daniel:

Well, there's something I do want to touch on before I answer that question.

Daniel:

With regards to the depression component, when it comes to wanting to kill myself when I was 22, I believe I made a reference to it in one line where I said I'd been depressed for years, but I think that was the line or something like that, because I also made a choice not to document my journey with depression because it wasn't something that just came on a couple months after I started to feel sick.

Daniel:

Now, that was something that I felt from a very young age and, from what I remember, that really started in elementary school and it started with thriving in some respects and winning the math awards. But then, why can't I read? Why can't I do that? You know why, why, why, and being reprimanded for that throughout my educational career, so that that really hampered me, and then watching everyone move on and excel and and grow onto the next phases of their lives, where I was still feeling left behind. So it was a years long journey at that point, and so it just it wasn't something that came on overnight. I just want to make that clear. Yeah, with regards to home, well, I'm not going to give away everything, because everyone's going to have to listen to the other episodes that are coming up in this, because got it.

Daniel:

Yeah, it's, it's something, jenny. Maybe I'll tell you once we stop recording.

Jenny:

Okay, no, that's fine. If this is, we don't want to like give away the next episode, then we can change the question, I guess.

Daniel:

All the next episodes about yogurt.

Jenny:

Okay, yogurt is home. That's the spoiler.

Daniel:

Well, that's that. I will say that what the running theme is throughout these episodes is home doesn't necessarily need to be where you sleep at night.

Jenny:

Yeah.

Daniel:

So in the next episode I talk about my favorite yogurt shop.

Daniel:

And the memories that I had surrounding that place and how, even when I go to it now, I'm no expert on on what home is or to tell you what home is, but what I really wanted to show through all this was even if you come from a broken home, you can still find home somewhere. It just it may not necessarily look conventional, so that's why I asked that question at the beginning what is a home Now? Is it a place of four walls and a roof? No, a geographical location. It's home, a person? Because I think that's really what I want everyone to ask themselves is what is home? Because I miss my childhood home, like I do. I'm still grieving the loss of my childhood home. He was just four walls and a roof, but then again, maybe it was something much more than that, maybe it wasn't even about that place. So that's, that's all I'll say for that.

Jenny:

Yeah, I think I feel at home when I eat pizza.

Daniel:

Yeah, pizza's good. If I could live in a pizza structure, I'd be a happy person. Oh God that would be messy. Of course it wouldn't last that long.

Jenny:

No, no, and I feel you in the, in the house that I grew up in. I moved when I was seven years old and then spent the rest of my upbringing in the suburbs of Los Angeles, and that that home is still in my dreams frequently. It's a space that my spirit embodied not embodied, but, you know lived in and expanded in and in different spiritual practices and different teachings. A home is not just four walls and a roof. It's sort of like in and Kanto, that Disney movie. Like that home was alive, it had a spirit in and of itself.

Jenny:

And there's many different wisdom traditions that look at, you know, inanimate objects of as having a spirit in and of themselves. And it's, it's the places where the energy of what we are and how we vibrate and what our stories are, especially in the interaction with other people. Those things leave imprints on the spaces that we're in, especially when we're in there for a long time, and then we miss it because they're not there for us to revisit anymore and those imprints aren't, don't belong to us anymore. We have to visit them in a different place in our mind. So, and that this materialism question is something I've had to face a lot because I moved abroad with only two suitcases and after I moved abroad, my parents divorced and sold our childhood home and I had a couple of days to go through everything I owned and figure out what I had to get rid of and what I hoped someone would hold in their home while I was living here in Europe for who knows how long, probably indefinitely now.

Jenny:

And there are times all the time where I I grieve and mourn some of these material things that are like, oh, they're just things, but I really envy people that have like a box of toys they had to get it grew up with. I mean, you can see, I have my little ponies behind me. I'm a forever child anyway and I'm not. I'm not a fan of stuff in general because I know how quickly it can accumulate and how, how, in the way it can get, but I do really value and honor the things that I do have and and things and places. They do hold memory and energy and magic beyond things that we really have words for and even know how to talk about.

Jenny:

And it is really hard when we have to say goodbye to those chapters in our lives and it is a grieving process and grief is so very, very enmeshed with time. Grief is is a side effect of time. I think and yeah, I think a lot of people will be able to relate to your stories and and grief is, you know, love, and love is a blessing. So I think that your episodes are a blessing and I hope, just in hearing your story, people feel like they're heard in and of themselves, because something resonates with them that says, ah, that's me, I belong here too.

Daniel:

Thank you, I hope so, and if it doesn't, it was fun writing it. Good, it was a journey in and of itself to write the thing as and as we're recording this July 28. I haven't finished it yet. It's 40,000 words at this point. I still haven't finished it. So it's yeah, you know it's it's art.

Jenny:

It's something it's art, it's a process.

Daniel:

It's a process and although I do have the first part, third part, fifth part are solidified. It's the second and fourth, more so the fourth part that's still bit up near it has to do with a park. I'll just say that Okay okay, sounds good. Cool. Well, that's probably a good place for us to end it.

Jenny:

Nice.

Daniel:

Well, thank you so much for coming on and talking about the Mirror of Time vagabond. Oh, is it okay if I take over right now?

Jenny:

Go for it.

Daniel:

So thank you for coming on and talking about the Mirror of Time vagabond and thank you for your questions and insights and just thank you for the feedback and being you and Dan.

Jenny:

Thank you for making it and thank you for sharing it with me and trusting me to have some sort of authority to speak on these subjects. But if anything else, I just hope I shared my heart and that people out there know that they're loved and seen and heard, and I hope anything about all of this work is healing and connecting to everyone that hears it. So thank you, dan Y'all, for the experience of it all.

Daniel:

You're very welcome and thank you, and I probably, should you know, do my normal.

Jenny:

Yay.